Switching Gears

So, my whole life “something” has been wrong with me. for the last twenty years its been in and out of inpatient treatment centers, phycologists, psychiatrists, on nearly every medication that is out there since I was 7. No two doctors had the same diagnosis and none of the medications ever worked.

In 2014 I got married to who I thought was a really good person and to me marriage meant forever. We fought all the time and made each other feel worthless. We planned a baby together for over a year until I finally got pregnant. I now have the most beautiful 2 year old little boy  in the world. Not to mention my angel of a daughter from a previous relationship. I am so lucky to have two happy, healthy, spoiled kids and I couldn’t imagine my life without them. But when we separated within weeks had a girlfriend and weeks after that she moved in with him. All the agreements we made to make co parenting the best it could be he has broken and lied and even cheated on her with me many times.

I realize now our marriage was no different. So it came down to us not speaking unless its about the kids. Everything we had worked so hard for right out the window and I still heartbroken over losing my husband. I have never been this depressed or hopeless in my life.

turns out they are thinking bipolar 2 and major ptsd. I just want to feel okay again is all. And I really have no one to turn to as far as friends; tomorrow night I have a parenting class to sit through and he will be there but we wont be near each other. our relationship or any kind of friendship or civility is not there anymore. I hope with time that changes but its not up to me. none of this has been up to me.

mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of, but it is something that needs to be addressed much sooner than I addressed mine. he never deserved me or treated me like I was worth anything. but now my family is ripped apart and he’s already inserted another girl into the kids lives. I just want the divorce finalized and to be done and have to see,, speak or be around him as little as possible.  I need a  break and time to heal. I just need time and the right medication.

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