It’s Official.

I feel invisible and at the same time right in the middle of everything and everyone is starting right at me. I am frozen and cannot breathe. My eyes want to close and to pretend I am anywhere else but they cannot move. I have rocks in my stomach weighing me down so that I am further stuck in place. I am not in my body, it is too painful in there. I am outside the crowd just watching it all happen, thinking to myself “just leave” but I watch myself do the opposite. I cannot understand why all these people even want to stare at me this way, I am nothing special to look at and I am not doing anything to watch. I fear they are looking just to be cruel and the crowd just keeps multiplying. I feel that my life is rushing by me and I can only watch it. I have a beautiful family and I am so blessed in so many ways, but I cannot enjoy it, I can only destroy myself and If I work hard at not destroying myself, I simply disappear. Except it is not simple, It is complicated. How I feel is so complicated. My feelings don’t match any kind of logic and I only become more and more down as time goes by. Then something happens during an effort to better a relationship and my whole self is completely destroyed. It’s official-the two people that brought me into this world don’t want me in it anymore. I don’t know how to feel, that is such an intense thing and I am gone. My self was clearly not worth anything to them or anyone else that matters to me, so I just let my self wash away. It washes away gladly since it was so miserable stuck inside me.  I do not belong here, and as time goes by, it becomes more and more obvious. Even my own parents blame me for their lives being messed up and think I am a pathetic excuse for a person and a bad mother and person. I know they think these things because they have told me. At first I shrugged it off, knowing they are angry people but after twenty six years of it and some giant situations I now believe they are genuine about their words and feelings. I do not disagree with them, and that is my final fault.