pity party

Why do they call Bipolar Manic Depression as well? That makes it sound like you’re either super happy or super sad and there is nothing else unless you’re normal which is another relative term for another time suppose. But Bipolar is so much more complicated than happy and sad. Its tortuously sad and insanely happy. What they don’t tell you is that it’s also a ton of anger and weird little quirks and self esteem/ self worth lower than the dirt underneath the floor. I mean how can someone who feels the way you feel and acts the way you act be worth anything? This illusion is the disease feeding on your normalcy and taking over. I have gotten to the point over the last few days that I literally want to pack up and move to the middle of nowhere and home school my kids and stay home and be a wife and mother and do crafts and that’s it. It isn’t something that is realistic but I guess it’s not totally unrealistic either. My husband almost left me last night because of my behavior during an outburst and the honest to god truth is i couldn’t do anything about what was coming out of my mouth. That never happens. I am unbelievably filtered normally and I the word vomit would not stop. Each thing I said made me feel like a worse person than the last and yet I could not stop.  Then I felt so awful and I tried so hard to fix things and I couldn’t. I have come to the conclusion that my bipolar is nearing an all time high and part of the reason i know this is because i dont care that it is. I have had two interviews and got both jobs and turned them both down because i can’t function. I could be ruining our lives and I care but at the same time I don’t. I am trying to be brutally honest here so even though it sounds bad, don’t think what a bitch and leave please because I am aware of my thoughts and feelings and how completely awful they are.  When I look in the mirror I see my parents. Neither of whom I want to be like, they were awful and my childhood was a living hell.  I see my dad in own instability and mental illnesses, and I see my mom in my self centered and mean way of thinking. I am going to end up like them no matter how hard I try and I do try. Being like them is one of my worst fears, yet I’m pretty sure that I’m on the fast track to crazytown. I need a new me. I often find myself wishing I had never been born, because that would have been the only way to prevent me from being me. I turned out phenomenal considering where I came from and how I was raised but it isn’t lasting. I can feel it slipping away – and this is after i’ve been on meds. I need a different me. I hate who i am with every fiber of my being. I spend so much time crying these days that I don’t even know what it feels like to not have my eyes on fire and a million knots in my stomach and intrusive thoughts and feelings. I am so miserable and there is nothing I can do about it. I can just see how it would go over with each and every person i know so i say nothing and suffer alone and in silence. Thats how it should be anyway, its not their faults that Im right in the middle of a pity party about my life.

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