The Bipolar Brain

The bipolar brain is something I have been living with since I can remember, and it is so complicated and terrifying. Can you imagine going from laying on a sunny beach and relaxing to a sudden tornado coming out of thin air straight at you.  I have been through hell and back over and over again my whole life, and I need to make it clear that everyone experiences mental illness differently, but no matter what I seem to do it comes back or never leaves, depending on what you think.  I can go off of all my medications and completely off the grid and have the same exact intense ups and downs as when I take my medications faithfully and eat healthy, and practice all my coping skills.  I’m not saying I don’t believe in medication because I think my meds do work, but there is cap where they can only help so much and for me, unfortunately my cap is very low compared to what my brain is experiencing. How can one person change personality so fast and with such intensity? How can one person have plans for the future, hopes, and dreams, and within seconds, be so low all they are consumed with thoughts of how worthless they are and what a burden they pose to those around them. How can the same person be outgoing, fun, and social and then start sleeping for days on end and not leaving their bed, curled up in the fetal position with images of self harm flashing and staying in their minds? It sounds like multiple personalities to me, and that is what I would think if I hadn’t experienced it first hand. That, or I would think that person was incredibly dramatic, self centered, and an attention hog. The opposite is true, however. I want no attention on me because all I see are my flaws, and wrongdoings. I have no self esteem, no confidence, and no self worth. Of course some of these things are due to the way I was parented and lack thereof. Some has to do with decisions I have made as a young adult that I cannot blame anyone else for, and so much is this disease. Of course mental illnesses never come alone, with bipolar I have extreme anxiety, post traumatic stress disorder, and adhd. I am trying to get a grasp on everything by doing therapy and changing my lifestyle. I have even started yoga and meditation. However I still find myself up until two or three a.m. sobbing because I am so miserable and I hate myself so much. I scare myself sometimes, because even I don’t understand how I can hate myself with the intensity that I do. If there is anyone out there struggling with any of these kinds of things, I want to help if possible, even if it’s only by sharing my journey and proving in the end of this that I can and will be happy and learn to cope.  If you are a parent of a child with these issues, I can tell you what mine did wrong and what I needed, not to say that yours will need the exact same but it may be a starting point. I just need to know that all my suffering will somehow help someone, hopefully a lot of people. I never want anyone to feel the way I do and always have. If I could save just one person from the misery that has been my life, I need to do so.

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